Are you tired of the same old politicians always lying to you ?
Why not give a geek a chance?
I can't do a worse job and at least I understand the modern world.
As a bonus, I'm not very good at lying so you'll know when I do it.
(All spelling and grammatical errors are intentional.)
Statement of Principals
OK, I know, most national politicians don't really have principals any more than they have a conscience, shame, or even a soul. But I'm not a politician, I'm a geek, so I do have principals. (I even have principles but that's not nearly as funny.)
These principles form the core of my platform and constitute promises I will stand behind.
Although these may not seem very much like the important political positions taken by other candidates, I've seen other elections and presidencies so I know what politicians and the media consider really important both in candidates and from the occupant of the Oval Office.
The first group of principles are for the politicians and the media, a second group addresses what I think is actually important, but this is just a way to divide up the list, I stand behind all of it.
Political and campaign principles
1. There will never be a sex scandal in my administration. Whoever comes to work in The White House will be safe from me. I also promise that I will always use a real wood humidor.
2. I will never bow to political pressure from lobbyists. I promise to screw up your life entirely on my own without any help from rich, overpaid "experts" who've never met any of the people their little schemes would harm.
3. I will never correct a student at a spelling bee, although I may correct a misuse of the terms memory or storage.
4. I will never drive either an M-1 A-1 Abrams Tank, or pilot a jet fighter, not even for a photo op on a carrier.
5. I will never start a war just to improve my popularity and make it hard for opponents to criticize me.
6. I will never say never again, or, if I do, I won't mean it.
7. I will propose a constitutional amendment which bars any politician who has ever claimed to have "invented" the Internet, or anything else useful, from ever becoming president. Politicians have to know how to lie with a straight face, but there must be a limit. The lie should at least not make people break out laughing, it's undignified.
(promises to real people)
1. If I publish an address, I will read my e-mail.
2. I will propose a bill which makes it illegal for telemarketers to phone ANYONE except spammers and will simultaneously make it illegal for spammers to send e-mail to anyone other than telemarketers.
3. I will end all sales taxes on any computer related items, this includes Coke, Pepsi, Jolt, pizza, and Chinese food.
4. I will mandate that every citizen be assigned one free URL.
5. I will require that any high school graduate at least read and do math at a third grade level.
6. I will propose a bill requiring all teachers to own a PC and pass a minimum competency test to demonstrate that they can at least turn on a computer and generate a simple e-mail. Those wishing to teach grades 6-12 must also demonstrate that they can at least find google.com without using a "favorites" link. I realize this will cause a major shakeup in many school districts, but I feel it is important that those teaching our kids have some slight knowledge of computers.
Obviously you need to intelligently edit this address which is intended
to block spam bots.
As a side benefit we've found that
prevents the rare non-computer literate "educators" from
being able to send
And, for those who don't quite grasp the concepts:
1.The quality that makes something laughable or amusing; funniness: could not see the humor of the situation.
2.That which is intended to induce laughter or amusement: a writer skilled at crafting humor.
3.The ability to perceive, enjoy, or express what is amusing, comical, incongruous, or absurd.
4.One of the four fluids of the body, blood, phlegm, choler, and black bile, whose relative proportions were thought in ancient and medieval physiology to determine a person's disposition and general health.
A body fluid, such as blood, lymph, or bile.
6.A person's characteristic disposition or temperament: a boy of sullen humor.
7.An often temporary state of mind; a mood: I'm in no humor to argue.
a.A sudden, unanticipated whim.
b.Capricious or peculiar behavior.
Satire: sat·ire ( Noun )
1.A literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit.
a.The branch of literature constituting such works.
2.Irony, sarcasm, or caustic wit used to attack or expose folly, vice, or stupidity.
Also see: Lampoon; sarcasm; irony; ridicule; pasquinade; burlesque; wit; humor.
(The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition